Fortune Cookie Friday - Fill in the Blank

I don't know if this is a typo or just bad grammar, but the 'Your' makes me want to add something. How about we play a little game of fill in the blank? 

Your                 will be successful in love.

I'm leaning toward body parts like 'nostril' or 'eye'. But I can feel a funnier option that is eluding me. Please offer your answers in the comments.

Wiseguy Wednesday - Wal-mart Wiseguy

Dear Mrs. Denner,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Denner are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House-wares. Get on it right away."

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fatal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Once again we cannot tolerate this behaviour in our store.

Regards,
Wal-Mart

C.S. Lewis Sunday - Pride is Competition

"If you want to find out how proud you are the easiest way is to ask yourself, 'How much do I dislike it when other people snub me, or refuse to take any notice of me, or shove their oar in, or patronize me, or show off? The point is that each person's pride is in competition with every one else's pride. It is because I wanted to be the big noise at the party that I am so annoyed at someone else being the big noise. Two of a trade never agree. Now what you want to get clear is that Pride is essentially competitive -- is competitive by its very nature -- while the other vices are competitive only, so to speak, by accident. Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better-looking than others. If everyone else became equally rich, or clever, or good-looking there would be nothing to be proud about. It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest."

--C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Calvin and Hobbes: Euphoria

Fortune Cookie Friday - Boy Humor

You'll have to forgive me...I'm in an odd mood. Maybe it's because I was a tom-boy as a child surrounded by nothing but boys and other tom-boys, then grew up and gave birth to a bunch of boys, but I found the following extremely hilarious. It's obviously photoshopped, but I don't care. It made me laugh and I wanted to share. Enjoy the fruits of my weird, boyish mood! :)

Two Glasses of Water

"The world says . . . I am my own master; I am an independent being; I will take my own course, etc...'I am a free man; I will be damned if I don't do as I please, etc.' Well, I will tell you another part of that story. You will be damned if you *do* act as you please, unless you please to do and to keep the laws of God. We cannot violate his laws with impunity nor trample under foot these eternal principles which exist in all nature. If all nature is compelled to be governed by law or suffer loss, why not man?"

--John Taylor

Imagine one of these glasses of water represents someone that disciplines themself to live by a set of high moral standards, the other represents someone caught up in unrestrained pleasure seeking.

With each unrestrained act, the pleasure seeker loses a sip of water from the glass.

At first it sure looks like the pleasure seeker got something the disciplined person missed. Turn that thinking around. The pleasure seeker is clearly the one that’s missing something.

--Object lesson used by Brad Wilcox

Related Links:

The Freedom Paradox
Pleasure vs. Happiness
Happiness and Ice Cream

Wiseguy Wednesday - Money

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser and loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" 

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check." 

--Author Unknown