Wiseguy Wednesday: Resolution

I don’t believe this (at all), nor do I advocate any such philosophy, but I thought it was funny, so…

"Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution."

--Jay Leno

Wiseguy Wednesday: Kris Creeper

Since 'it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas' lately, I figured I'd dedicate this week's Wiseguy Wednesday to a favorite family Christmas memory.

My oldest son has always been a bit of a worry wart. Since he first started talking, I've fielded numerous ridiculous concerns for him. As a two year old he would routinely ask, "Do we have enough gas?" as I was driving up a freeway ramp. We've never once run out of gas in his life, so I can't imagine where he got the idea to be worried about such a thing. But worry he does...about everything. So it was just sort of taken in stride when at Christmas time in his fourth year, he started worrying about the state of the blinds at bedtime. When I would tuck him in at night, he wouldn't let me leave the room unless I had checked and re-checked the blinds. Are they closed? Are all the shades in line? Are the curtains covering the gap between the blinds and the window frame? Can you check just one more time?

After a week or so of this, I finally asked him what the heck he was so afraid of. It had never worked for him before, but I thought maybe this time I could alleviate his fears and stop with the obsessive blind checking, already. I will never forget his answer. With blankets pulled up over his head, he replied with great trepidation,

"He sees you when you're sleeping!"

Poor Santa had been reduced to a creepy peeping-tom at my son's window each night! "You better watch out," indeed!

--The Savvy Sage

Wiseguy Wednesday - Flowers from who?

I was thrilled to see a beautiful bouquet of flowers awaiting me at the teachers lounge. But I was mystified by the card, which read, "With love from A.C. Credmire."

That evening I wondered to my husband about the mysterious A.C. Credmire.

"Oh! That's me," he said, laughing. "When I called it in, I'd asked the florist to sign it, 'With love from a secret admirer!'"

--Geri Willes

Wiseguy Wednesday: Gravity & Adversity

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” 

―Khalil Gibran

If you're ever having a bad day, just think of the following quote and try to remember that while gravity and adversity are sometimes inconvenient, they are both necessary and desirable for life. 

Irrational Fish Fear

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." 

–Kevin James, Sweat the Small Stuff

This quote reminded me of an amusing BFF experience, so I thought I'd share. {L} and I have been best friends since we were both part of a marching cymbal line in Marching Band at 14 years of age. Yes, I said the cymbals. No, neither of us made a career out of playing them. We just had too many flutes in our band, so we both converted to drum line for marching season. We had WAY more fun making super awesome high-fives than we ever would have hanging out with the flute section. But I digress... 

I have always had an irrational fear of fish. In my *mind* they are harmless, but if one touches me, my body goes absolutely berserk, thus polluting my mind into an uncontrollable panic - kind of like the quote suggests. I have no idea why this happens, but it is unpleasant and humiliating to turn into a screaming, flailing, banshee-woman in front of strangers. So generally I try to avoid swimming in bodies of water that contain fish.   

Don't ask me why my husband and I ever bought a jet ski, but we did. We were young newlyweds - about 20 years old - with no children to spend our dual income on and we thought it would be fun to go to the lake on the weekends. I was fully aware that my fish-fear may cause a problem, but I thought the jet ski would be fun enough to overcome it. Besides, I wasn't planning on falling off the thing.  

Well, one day I had a day off in common with my brother and {L} (hubs had to work), so we planned a day out at the lake together. My brother backed the jet ski into the water at the dock and waded waist-deep into the carp-infested water to disconnect the jet ski from the trailer. Without touching the water, {L} and I hopped on and drove the jet ski over to the dock and waited while my brother parked the truck. By the time he came back, {L} was standing on the dock and I had removed the seat on the jet ski so that I could store the car keys underneath. 

But when my brother went to hand me the keys, he let go of them before I was ready and...plop! They dropped down into the disgusting water. We blamed each other for a minute (as siblings usually do) before the horrifying realization hit me that if we ever wanted to leave the lake, someone had to dive about 10 feet down in that cesspool to get the keys…and my brother was wearing contacts.

I refused to do it and so did {L}, who apparently had equal fish fears.  My brother tried to do it anyway, but after several dives, found the task impossible without being able to open his eyes under water.

So, between my irrational fear and my brother’s contacts, we were at an impasse. And by this time, we had attracted a LOT of attention from other boaters at the dock. I was absolutely refusing to dive down there, and my brother was starting to get extremely irritated at me. Other boaters tried to offer me incentives, “Lady, I’ll give you $20 if you’ll dive down there!” Yeah…I don’t know about you, but I don’t know anyone whose irrational fears can be overcome by a measly $20! I wondered if they were willing to pay me $20, why weren’t they willing to help me out and dive down there themselves? Oh yeah. Because they wanted to WATCH me freak out! I was entertainment! At that realization, I dug in my heals. I WILL NOT DIVE IN THAT WATER! I would rather LIVE at the lake forever than sell myself for the entertainment of half drunk fools!

So, after about 10 minutes of this, {L} shouts out, “Oh, everyone just SHUT UP! I’ll do it! I don’t see why I should have to,” she glares at me, “but someone has to do it! I’m not getting stranded over some DISGUSTING fish!”

It took her about 5 minutes to mentally prepare herself with a series of squeals and shudders, but jump in she did, while the gawkers looked on. 

About 10 seconds later, my hero launched herself out of the water like a dolphin. She plopped herself belly first on the dock, chucked the keys down in my direction and screamed at the top of her voice, “FRIENDSHIP ISN’T WORTH THIS MUCH!” Then to the great amusement of the gathered crowd, she started jumping around making all the sounds and gestures you would imagine a completely disgusted person making.

I was entirely cowed and utterly ashamed of myself, but we ended up having a fabulous time that day.  I did get my comeuppance, however. That was also the day that I was thrown from the jet ski in the middle of the lake. A stupid underwater weed scraped my leg and I had a panic attack that manifested as a vision of a giant carp, mouth agape, chasing me back to the jet ski. I don’t think I ever swam like that before or since.   

But the experience wasn't entirely without merit. I now know I would be utterly useless in an emergency…but fabulous comic relief. Yay. And I learned that I have the most breathtakingly phenomenal best friend on the planet! Love ya, {L}! Maybe someday I’ll be brave enough stand between you and one of your monsters shouting, "FRIENDSHIP ISN'T WORTH THIS MUCH" like a contradictory battle cry.

Wiseguy Wednesday - Grammar Police

Wiseguy Wednesday: Earplugs

During flight school, an instructor noticed that a young pilot wasn't wearing her earplugs correctly. 

"If you don't fix your earplugs, you'll turn into a deaf old man like me," he warned over the roar of helicopter engines.

She shot back, "If I turn into a deaf old man, I've got bigger problems than hearing loss."

--Deborah Gatrell

Wiseguy Wednesday - Air Force Family

My father, an Air Force Academy graduate, still retains a strict military code of ethics as well as a quick wit. One day I mentioned that I was thinking about getting my bellybutton pierced.

"No way!" my father fired back. "This is an Air Force family -- no Navel Destroyers are allowed!"

--Sarah Blomquist

Wiseguy Wednesday - Heavenly Marriage

A young couple had a fatal car accident on the way to their wedding. When they met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, they asked if it was possible for them to marry in heaven. He said he would make some inquiries and get back to them.

A year later, St. Peter found the couple and told them they could get married. "Could we get a divorce if it doesn't work out?" they wanted to know.

"Good grief!" St. Peter exclaimed. "It took me a whole year to find a preacher up here, and now you want me to find a lawyer?"

--Dee McDonald

Wiseguy Wednesday - Your Call

I love this funny little story because it begs the question: Is Ego profitable or futile? Then illustrates the obvious answer. It's your call, indeed. Enjoy!
 
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course 10 degrees east."

The light signals back: "Change yours, 10 degrees west."

Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"

"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."

Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing my course!"

There's one last reply, "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

--Dan Bell

Wiseguy Wednesday - Wal-mart Wiseguy

Dear Mrs. Denner,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Denner are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House-wares. Get on it right away."

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fatal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Once again we cannot tolerate this behaviour in our store.

Regards,
Wal-Mart

Wiseguy Wednesday - Money

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser and loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" 

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check." 

--Author Unknown

Wiseguy Wednesday - Funny Ads 1

All of the following ads were actually published in newspapers. Enjoy!

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7--$9 per hour.

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Wiseguy Wednesday - Thumbtacks

"I went to pick up several items at a discount store. When I finally got up to the checker, I learned that one of my items had no price tag. Imagine my embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, 

‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE.' 

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘Thumbtacks.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 

‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’"

--Author Unknown

(Too Embarrassed to Claim the Experience)

Wiseguy Wednesday - Humorous Authorless Quotes

"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason."

"If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?"

"Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?"

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!"

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

"Crowded elevators smell different to midgets."

"We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control."

"Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen."

And my personal favorite: 

"Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."

Wiseguy Wednesday - Steven Wright 2

"When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey." 

"I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...

"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" 

"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping." 

--Steven Wright

Wiseguy Wednesday - Wheelbarrow

Bill sat at the local bar, bragging about his athletic prowess. None of the regulars challenged him, but a visitor pipped up, 

"I'll bet you 50 bucks that I can push something in a wheelbarrow for one block and you can't wheel it back."

Bill looked over at the skinny stranger and decided it wasn't much of a challenge. 

"I'll take you on," he said.

The two men and a number of regulars borrowed a wheelbarrow and took it to the corner. 

"Now, let's see what you're made of," taunted Bill.

"Okay," said the challenger, "Get in."

 --Anne Victoria Baynas, 

quoted in Old Farmer's Almanac

Wiseguy Wednesday - No Privacy

As a young married couple, my husband and I lived in a cheap [apartment] complex. Our chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that we had no privacy. This was painfully obvious one morning when my husband was upstairs and I was downstairs on the telephone. I was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet my neighbor. "Give this to your husband," he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into my hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes."

--Gail Gridley

Wiseguy Wednesday - Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was brilliant at teaching common sense to the common man during the Roaring Twenties and Great Depression. He wrote 4,000 syndicated columns and six books, becoming a prominent radio broadcaster and political commentator. He called politics "the best show in the world" and described Congress as the "national joke factory." His folksy humor and honest, intelligent observations about the government and America earned the respect of the nation.

Some of his sayings:

Never squat while wearing your spurs.

Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

Common sense ain't common.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Everybody is ignorant-- only on different subjects.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into you pocket.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

If you’re riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

If you feel the urge, don't be afraid to go on a wild goose chase. What do you think wild geese are for anyway?

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Wiseguy Wednesday - Steven Wright 1

 "The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard." 

"If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!" 

 

"I think they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty."

 

"Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, 'you have to put your two cents in?' Somebody's making a penny."

 --Steven Wright