Fortune Cookie Friday - Happy Days

I really like this fortune. However, I have one little issue with it. Happiness, in my estimation, is not separate from struggle. Happiness is as achievable in the midst of struggle as it is outside of struggle. You know...the whole 'dancing in the rain' thing? I know, I know...way to ruin a good fortune. But I always have to make that distinction clear in my mind so I remember I don't have to get depressed when things get difficult. *I* control my attitude at all times. I mean, ex-squeeze me...I am no victim! My personal happiness is NOT subject to circumstances. Circumstances are subject to ME! As long as I think that my mood is a slave to my circumstances, I give up my power to choose the way I feel. So, yes...happy days ARE ahead of me! But they are ahead of me because I will choose them, not because of the absence of struggle, thank you very much!

Calvin and Hobbes: Euphoria

Happiness: Failure and Self-Delusion

“We’ve done three seasons of American Idol and by now it is safe to assume that most people know that you have to be able to sing. But people turn up who can’t sing a note and yet they believe they are the Second Coming.”

--Simon Cowell

I haven’t written anything about Happiness lately. Maybe that’s because life has been a little rocky for me and I’m in survival mode. My mantra: Slap a smile on your face and fake it ‘til ya make it, girl! I’ve been grinning and bearing it for so long now, that I’m really starting to see that failure and self-delusion can play a vital role in Happiness. Because mysteriously enough, I do feel a general sense of happiness, despite all the bumps in the road.

This reminds me of Iceland. Did you know that Iceland produces more artists and writers per capita than any other nation? It's true! How is this possible, you ask? Well, in part, the tiny island nation experiences that much success by cultivating an atmosphere of – you guessed it – failure and self-delusion.

Failure is admirable in Iceland because it means you tried. And an atmosphere where trying is applauded – regardless of result – is fertile ground for creativity.

In The Geography of Bliss, one of my favorite non-fiction books off all time, Eric Weiner observes, “We Americans like to think that we, too, embrace failure, and it’s true, up to a point. We love a good failure story as long as it ends with success. The entrepreneur who failed half a dozen times before hitting the jackpot with a brilliant idea. The bestselling author whose manuscript was rejected a dozen times. In these stories, failure serves merely to sweeten the taste of success. It’s the appetizer. For Icelanders, though, failure is the main course.”

Interesting! If you remove the stigma of failure, people feel free try things. And the more people try things, the more success will be found. It is inevitable.

I think one of the reasons American Idol is so wildly popular is because the American culture despises self-delusion as much or more than failure. You know that chick that is convinced her singing voice is worthy of a record deal and fame, but really sounds like an elephant in labor? Yeah. We love it when Simon Cowell dashes her hopes and dreams with witty quips such as, “If your lifeguard duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning.” Yes, in America we like our delusions tempered with strong doses of reality.

But…

“The psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi wrote in his book Flow, ‘It is not the skills we actually have that determine how we feel but the ones we think we have’ (emphasis added). When I first encountered that sentence, I reread it four or five times, convinced that it must be a misprint, or perhaps Csikszentmihalyi was strung out on consonants. He seems to be advocating a delusional outlook on life. If I think I’m a violin virtuoso but in fact I’m tone-deaf, aren’t I fooling myself? Yes, but it doesn’t matter, Csikszentmihalyi argues. Either way, we experience flow, a state of mind where we are so engaged in an activity that our worries evaporate and we lose track of time. Likewise, Martin Seligman, founder of the positive-psychology movement, discovered that happy people remembered more good events in their lives than actually occurred. Depressed people remembered the past accurately. ‘Know thyself’ may not be the best advice after all. A pinch of self-delusion, it turns out, is an important ingredient in the happiness recipe.

“It works for the Icelanders. There’s no one on the island telling them they’re not good enough, so they just go ahead and sing and paint and write. One result of this freewheeling attitude is that Icelandic artists produce a lot of crap. They’re the first to admit it. But crap plays an important role in the art world. In fact, it plays exactly the same role as it does in the farming world. It’s fertilizer. The crap allows the good stuff to grow.” 

--Excerpt from The Geography of Bliss, by Eric Weiner

Calvin and Hobbes: Happiness

Fortune Cookie Friday - Happiness

This can't be a coincidence! I crack open a fortune cookie to post today and of all the fortunes in the world I get one that promises Happiness, which I have been talking about in EVERY post for a week or so now! Amazing! Happy Friday!

My Biscuits are Burnin'

When I was little, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and eat every bite!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: "Baby, I love burned biscuits."

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides - a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!"

You know, life is full of imperfect things...and imperfect people. I'm not the best housekeeper or cook. What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each other's faults - and choosing to celebrate each other's differences - is one of the most important keys to creating healthy, growing, and lasting relationships.

--Author Unknown

Happiness is Giving

“There is a wonderful law of nature that the three things we crave most - happiness, freedom, and peace of mind - are always attained by giving them to someone else."

--Anonymous

I recently saw a guy on the corner of a busy intersection with a sign that said, “Hungry Need Help,” and it got me thinking about the connection between Charity and Happiness.

What is your philosophy on giving to beggars and such? My personal philosophy is simple: if I have something to give, I give it. What I decided long ago – and what I teach my children – is that it is not my business or responsibility to judge whether or not there is actually a need. What is my business is how I act when someone is professing a need and asking for help. So, I do what I can to supply the need with whatever I have at my disposal at the time: money, food, a listening ear. I feel I will be judged by God and myself for what I do and the intentions in my heart and the person asking for the help will be judged on their intentions and actions as well. If they are professing a need when they really don’t have one, or if they’re just relying on the charity of others to support their lazy, alcoholic, and/or drug-addicted lifestyle, that’s their problem.  

There have been times when I’ve had an overwhelming feeling that I should not help someone, and I heed those feelings. But for the most part, probably some of the biggest regrets of my life have come from having something to give and withholding it.

I’ll share one of my experiences of regret and one of satisfaction.

As the mother of 4 children, there are times when I just need to get away and regenerate with some “me” time. So, I arranged for someone to sit with my kids and took my self out for a few hours of peaceful solitude. I don’t carry cash very often, so on my way I stopped at the bank and withdrew $10 so I could get some lunch at a place I knew did not take debit cards. But on the way to the place I had planned to spend the bulk of my time I encountered a sign-holding beggar at a freeway exit. I knew I had that ten-dollar-bill in my purse and my first inclination was to give it to the man. But there arose in my heart a string of rationalizations that prevented me from giving the man my lunch money. If I had two fives I feel confident that I would have given him half of my money without hesitation. But to sacrifice everything I had at that moment to a man that might be supporting an addiction…I just couldn’t do it. I latched onto that rationalization along with the vision of a peaceful lunch by myself at a favorite place and did not give the money. What I regret most about this whole experience is that my babysitter called with an emergency and I rushed home and never got that lunch anyway. I kept that ten-dollar-bill in my wallet for a long time to remind myself that I had an opportunity to give someone the shirt off my back and I willfully excused myself. The regret brings this quote to mind, "I do not believe one can settle how much we ought to give. I am afraid the only safe rule is to give more than we can spare." --C.S. Lewis

My satisfying giving experience happened one early morning in front of Wal-Mart. I was rushing to bring home some milk so my kids could have some cereal before school when I ran into a rather clean, yet obviously homeless man. I don’t know what made me stop and listen to him; maybe it was his downcast look, maybe it was his threadbare clothes. Whatever it was, I am so glad I stopped. He talked to me for about 15 minutes while my milk sat sweating in the cart. His story was a demoralizing tale of woe. I could just feel the hopelessness dripping off him as he described to me the difficulties of breaking the cycle of homelessness. He couldn’t get a job because he had no address. He couldn’t get an address without a job. The shelters cost $40 a week and all the churches he had talked to were kind to him, but wouldn’t help him long enough to break the cycle. Now, I realize this whole sob story could have been a well rehearsed act. Don’t believe for a second that it didn’t occur to me while I was standing there listening to him. But I pushed that aside and allowed myself to love the man for a second and I knew what I had to do. First, I listened to him and willingly gave him some of my time. I looked him in the eye and treated him like a friend. Then, I told him to hang on a second while I went back into the store to get some cash (because again, I hardly ever carry any). It’s hard to describe the feelings that coursed through my body when I was buying a pack of gum to get the $40 cash I wanted to give him. It felt a little like I was nervous because I was shaking, had clammy hands, and felt short of breath. But I wasn’t nervous, I was giddy with excitement! Here was an opportunity to give that I would boldly take! I nearly skipped out of the store to hand over my money for a week’s shelter for him. I knew it wouldn’t solve all of his problems, but it felt good to know that he’d have a bed for at least a week, and maybe even a little more hope to get him through it. And even if it was a well rehearsed swindle, I know I did the right thing and no one can take the joy I felt from me.

I don’t write all of these things to regale others with my regrets and/or wonderfulness. I write them because through these experiences I learned that there is a connection between Charity and Happiness. The more we give, the more we get. Really, when I don’t give due to a judgment I have made of someone’s intentions, I deny myself a measure of Happiness. But you know what’s even better than giving for your own Happiness? Losing your “self” completely and giving for someone else’s Happiness.

“The words of Jesus, ‘Love one another as I have loved you,’ must be not only a light for us but a flame that consumes the self in us. Love, in order to survive, must be nourished by sacrifices, especially the sacrifice of self. Love, to be real, must cost—it must hurt—it must empty us of self.” --Mother Theresa

Happiness and Ice Cream

"My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate." 

--Thornton Wilder

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Happiness. It seems like such an enigmatic concept. The only real consistent definition of the thing seems to be that it defies definition.

I have found Happiness to be both sought and found, inside of me and in outside circumstances.  Sometimes a chosen attitude, sometimes it just…exists…for seemingly no reason at all.

Yeah. This is totally infuriating to a concrete thinker! I want it to be nailed down, dangit! To heck with all this elusive garbage, I want to define it and hold it in my hand and examine it. I want an equation. Then I want to apply it so I can be happy all the time.  Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is.

My husband is always harping on me because of this tendency. He’s always reminding me that if there were a fool-proof equation for everything, there would be no freedom. And he’s SO right! But that doesn’t make me want it any less.

Freedom of choice is such a pesky thing--like a double-edged sword! It requires the elusiveness which I detest, yet this very elusiveness plays such a huge role in emotions like Happiness.  

If at any time a person doesn’t feel fully in charge of the choices they can make in their life, there’s a definite decline in happiness. If the limitations are imposed from outside, people feel resentful and oppressed, not happy. However, if they feel like they had a fair say in choosing the limitation there is no loss of happiness. This is why democracy works.

But on the other hand, if we’re presented with an over-abundance of choices, we become overwhelmed and confused. Again, not happy.

Paul Rozin, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania, “asked a cross-section of people from six countries (the United States, United Kingdom, France, Germany, Italy, and Switzerland) a simple question:

“‘Imagine that you feel like eating ice cream and that you have the choice between two ice-cream parlors. One offers a choice of ten flavors. The other offers a selection of fifty flavors. Which ice-cream parlor would you choose?’

“In only one country, the United States, did a majority (56 %) of respondents prefer the ice-cream parlor with fifty flavors. The Swiss were on the other end of the spectrum. Only 28% preferred the ice-cream parlor with more choices.” (The Geography of Bliss, Eric Weiner, pg 45).

Okay, so since the USA has lower levels of Happiness compared to Switzerland (according to the World Database of Happiness), we can deduce that at least one indicator of Happiness is choosing to limit choices. 

When presented with the ice-cream-flavor study, a friend of mine observed that if one willingly chose to limit their ice cream choices to just vanilla, infinite flavor opportunities become possible with toppings. That plain old vanilla ice cream can now become anything based on our ever-changing whims. What a concept! Skillfully limiting choices can open up more freedom and therefore, more happiness.  (This concept was addressed in a previous Savvy and Sage post entitled The Freedom Paradox. Click here to read). 

In part, Happiness is freedom of choice…as long as we feel that we have chosen our own limitations.

But lest you start thinking that Happiness can be defined by Freedom, it must not be overlooked that even if we were unable to choose the flavor of ice cream, Happiness could be achieved through attitude alone.  See? I know nothing!

I guess I’ll just have to settle for the advice in my title quote. Whether it’s sought or found, chosen or served up without my choice, I just need to shut up and enjoy my dang ice cream, already! ;)

Pleasure vs. Happiness

"The present is an age of pleasure-seeking, and men are losing their sanity in the mad rush for sensations that do but excite and disappoint. In this day of counterfeits, adulterations, and base imitations, the devil is busier than he has ever been in the course of human history, in the manufacture of pleasures, both old and new; and these he offers for sale in most attractive fashion, falsely labeled, Happiness. In this soul-destroying craft he is without a peer; he has had centuries of experience and practice, and by his skill he controls the market. He has learned the tricks of the trade, and knows well how to catch the eye and arouse the desire of his customers. He puts up the stuff in bright-colored packages, tied with tinsel string and tassel; and crowds flock to his bargain counters, hustling and crushing one another in their frenzy to buy.

"Follow one of the purchasers as he goes off gloatingly with his gaudy packet, and watch him as he opens it. What finds he inside the gilded wrapping? He has expected fragrant happiness, but uncovers only an inferior brand of pleasure, the stench of which is nauseating.

"Happiness includes all that is really desirable and of true worth in pleasure, and much beside. Happiness is genuine gold, pleasure but gilded brass, which corrodes in the hand, and is soon converted into poisonous verdigris. Happiness is as the genuine diamond, which, rough or polished, shines with its own inimitable luster; pleasure is as the paste imitation that glows only when artificially embellished. Happiness is as the ruby, red as the heart's blood, hard and enduring; pleasure, as stained glass, soft, brittle, and of but transitory beauty. 

"Happiness is true food, wholesome, nutritious and sweet; it builds up the body and generates energy for action, physical, mental and spiritual; pleasure is but a deceiving stimulant which, like spirituous drink, makes one think he is strong when in reality enfeebled; makes him fancy he is well when in fact stricken with deadly malady. 

"Happiness leaves no bad after-taste, it is followed by no depressing reaction; it calls for no repentance, brings no regret, entails no remorse; pleasure too often makes necessary repentance, contrition, and suffering; and, if indulged to the extreme, it brings degradation and destruction.

"True happiness is lived over and over again in memory, always with a renewal of the original good; a moment of unholy pleasure may leave a barbed sting, which, like a thorn in the flesh, is an ever-present source of anguish.

"Happiness is not akin with levity, nor is it one with light-minded mirth. It springs from the deeper fountains of the soul, and is not infrequently accompanied by tears. Have you never been so happy that you have had to weep? I have."

--James E. Talmage, Improvement Era, vol. 17, No. 2, pp. 172, 173.

True Wealth

Wealth is not the things we own–
A stately house upon a hill,
Paintings, rugs and tapestries,
Or servants taught to do one’s will.
In luxury, a man may dwell,
As lonely as in a prison cell.

Wealth is not a plenteous purse,
The bonds that one has stored away,
A boastful balance in a bank,
Or jeweled baubles that fools display.
The things that really gratify
Are things that money cannot buy.

Wealth is health, and a cheerful heart,
An ear that hears the robin’s song,
A mind content, some treasured friends,
And fragrant memories lingering on.
Living is an inward art–
All lasting wealth is in the heart!

--Alfred Grant Walton

Happiness is Decided Ahead of Time

"Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be."

--Abraham Lincoln

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.

His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.

As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window. 

“I love it,” he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

“Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait.” 

“That doesn't have anything to do with it,” he replied. “Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.”

“Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged...it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it, so I do.”