Sage Thought of the Day: Forgiveness

Forgive and Forget

C.S. Lewis Sunday - A Great Secret

"Do not waste time bothering whether you 'love' your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him. If you injure someone you dislike, you will find yourself disliking him more. If you do him a good turn, you will find yourself disliking him less. There is, indeed, one exception. If you do him a good turn, not to please God and obey the law of charity, but to show him what a fine forgiving chap you are, and to put him in your debt, and then sit down to wait for his 'gratitude', you will probably be disappointed. (People are not fools: they have a very quick eye for anything like showing off, or patronage.) But whenever we do good to another self...we shall have learned to love it a little more or, at least, to dislike it less."

--C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

C.S. Lewis Sunday - What 'Turn the Other Cheek' DOESN'T Mean

"Does anyone suppose that Our Lord's hearers understood to mean that if a homicidal maniac, attempting to murder a third party, tried to knock me out of the way, I must stand aside and let him get his victim? I at any rate think it impossible they could have so understood Him. I think it equally impossible that they supposed Him to mean that the best way of bringing up a child was to let it hit its parents whenever it was in a temper, or, when it had grabbed at the jam, to give it the honey also. I think the meaning of the words was perfectly clear -- 'Insofar as you are simply an angry man who has been hurt, mortify your anger and do not hit back.'"

--C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

"Why I Am Not a Pacifist"

Beauty and the Beast

"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."

--Peter Marshall

Last week, I watched a modern-day re-telling of the old Beauty and the Beast story with my children. They range in age from 8 to 14, so at the conclusion of the movie I thought it was more than appropriate to expect at least a couple of them to have picked up on the message. I was looking for something akin to “External beauty is only skin deep. Real substance is on the inside.” Yeah...was I in for a surprise! It looked promising when my 10 year old son took a moment to ponder. But when he concluded, “Don’t be mean to ugly ladies!” I was sure he had completely missed the  point.

We had a good, hearty laugh followed by an excellent discussion as I took the opportunity to teach the message I expected them to learn. But during the discussion, my son kept reiterating what he had said and insisting it was a better lesson because had the prince been nice to the old witch, the whole affair could have been avoided. And he’s right; it could have been avoided. Had he missed the point, or had I?

Hmm. Thought provoking! Is it better to make excellent choices, or is it better to make mistakes and let Life sort out your faults?

I’ve thought about that a lot through the years. There are things in my past that I’m not proud of--choices I wish I hadn’t made--that led to negative consequences that caused a lot of heartache for myself and others. But now that they are in my past, I have to admit that on some level, I’m glad I experienced it all because, like the prince, the consequences of my mistakes (the Beast) made me a better person. If I hadn’t made the mistakes, would I be who I am today? No.

I think if you asked the prince after the Beast was behind him, he would tell you he was glad the whole thing happened to him, too. He’d probably tell you the same thing I’m about to tell you: Even if I had the option to go back and choose differently to avoid the Beast, I wouldn’t. I’d do it all over again because all that I gained was worth the price I paid.

I have also experienced other unpleasant trials in my life that were completely out of my control that caused heartache as well: death, illness, betrayal, poverty, loss, etc. But while I know many would disagree with me on this point, even these experiences have made me stronger and I wouldn’t change them.

On the other hand, I have always understood the importance of living by a set of noble, moral standards. At times, I know living up to my standards has saved me considerable grief and/or pain. It has certainly given me the peace of a clear conscience. This way of living is epitomized in the character of the Beauty. Her choices were noble and kind. She saw the value of the Beast and overlooked his incongruous outward appearance. She was everything the Beast was not--his antithesis in every way. But did her goodness prevent ALL adversity? No. She was enslaved and treated badly despite her goodness. But it was her determination to make the best of her circumstances and to continue choosing kindness in the face of her hardships that changed everything. It was only then that her goodness inspired the Beast’s change, and his inner nobility born from that change that inspired her love. They were connected and strengthened by the contrary winds of struggle.

Maybe just because their paths to improvement were divergent, it doesn’t have to mean one is “right” and one is “wrong”. The point is that there is no path that saves us from adversity, nor should we expect or desire a life free from it. Sometimes we’re the Beauty and sometimes we’re the Beast. Without the opposing forces, there would be no story. Without free will, struggle, and suffering there would be no value in nobility, no learning, no character development, no purpose…no Beauty in life.

Related  Posts:

Being Wrong
Got Glue?

Let Go!

"People in general would rather die than forgive. It's THAT hard. If God said in plain language, 'I'm giving you a choice, forgive or die,' a lot of people would go ahead and order their coffin."

--Sue Monk Kidd,
The Secret Life of Bees, p. 277

When I was an early teen, a friend invited me for a day of recreational boating with her family. I was beside myself with excitement to spend a fun-filled Saturday out on the water with friends! I had never been on a boat outing, but I had heard the many virtues of water-skiing from my friends and I was dying to try it.

I made a lot of good memories that day, but something happened when I made my first attempt at water-skiing that has left a lasting impression upon my mind.

As I climbed down into the water, my friend and her family gave me a full tutorial, complete with a warning that the initial pull of the boat would be profound. But while I expected it to be a good firm yank, I still wasn’t quite prepared for how strong it actually was. When the boat finally took off, my 13-year-old body immediately flung out of the water, and I was violently slapped face down into the water and dragged for what seemed like a mile. All the while, I was screaming futilely amid mouthfuls of water: 

“STOP! STOP!”

Eventually the boat did stop, to my half-drown relief. I basked in the intense elation of near escape from death for about 1 second before the murderous explosions of anger set in. As the boat turned to retrieve me, I was fanning the flames of my rage. How DARE they drag me around for their amusement! I might have drowned! I am going to give them a piece of my mind! They will PAY!

As soon as they were within earshot, I shouted, “WHY would you drag me around like that? You nearly KILLED me!”

Then came the haunting reply, “Why didn’t YOU let go?!”

All my burning flames of indignation were instantly exhausted like a small match thrown into a raging sea of my own foolishness. While I had been shouting “STOP!” they had been shouting, “LET GO!” And it never occurred to me that my safety had literally been in my own hands the entire time! I had clung to that handle as if my life depended on it, when in actuality all I had to do was release it.

Isn’t that just like life?

How many times have I held on to anger, resentment, sadness, and pain like I clung onto that water-skiing handle? How many times have I blamed someone or something else for my struggles and problems?

I’m irritable because someone cut me off in traffic. I have pain because of stress. I’m offended because someone didn’t act the way I thought they should. I’m angry because someone was hateful to me. I failed because I had a bad teacher. Come to think of it, NONE of the problems I experience are my fault! I am a victim and I’m entitled to my negative emotions!

“Stop! Stop! I’m drowning!”

Wait a minute…perhaps I haven’t stopped reacting long enough to realize that if someone or something else is responsible for everything that’s wrong in my life, then I have to wait around until that someone or something changes so that I can feel better.  

Why wait for the boat to stop? Just let go! Take back your life and respond instead with love, peace, joy, forgiveness, and/or kindness. Choose not to blame others. Choose not to be offended. Supplant revenge with release. 

Don’t forget YOU are holding the handle!

Scrambled Eggs

“Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds upon the heel that crushed it.”

--Mark Twain

Do you have memories that are triggered by certain tasks? If you’re anything like me, you do. I still remember a girl from High School that had luxuriously long armpit hairs every time I shave my armpits (hairy armpits are not my thing). I’ve never seen that girl since I graduated, but I still think of her every day almost 20 years later. I think she might be horrified to know this.

Well, this morning as I made some scrambled eggs for breakfast, I was reminded of another experience from my teen years that has haunted me in connection with egg making all these years.

Every morning before school, I attended a Seminary class with many of my classmates. I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed this start to my school day all four years of High School! But halfway through my Senior year, there was a teacher change that I did not enjoy. Up until then, I had always had dynamic, energetic teachers that I admired very much. They were so talented at presenting the material and making it fun for teenagers that it got in my mind that I was somehow entitled to fabulous teachers.

So, in walks this new teacher that had obviously never taught teenagers a day in his life. He struggled as he presented the material. He seemed disorganized, nervous, awkward, and his class was a total snooze-fest, which doesn’t mix well with teenagers at 6am. But did I just go with the flow and sleep through it? Oh, no! Let’s not forget that I was under the impression that I deserved awesome, perfected teachers!

After a few weeks of enduring his teaching, I just decided I wasn’t going to take it anymore and I started to lay into him every chance I got. When he was being boring, I pointed out my bleary eyed classmates and openly blamed him. I became rude, condescending, belligerent, and insubordinate at the drop of a hat in hopes of running him out of there. The worst part is, I think my bad example spread. Pretty soon everyone was attacking the poor guy, and that’s when it got really bad. The day we walked into class to the presence of our favorite Seminary teacher, my teenaged self felt triumphant. Mission Accomplished!

Or not…

The favorite teacher was there only for the day on a problem-solving mission and spent most of the class time talking to us about what exactly it was that bothered us about the new teacher. We let it all hang out, and I’ll never forget the stricken look on my favorite teacher’s face as we defamed the name of the new teacher.

Then the next day the boring teacher returned. Only this time, he suggested we skip class time and go play some volleyball and make some breakfast. The usual seminary fare was either scones, pancakes, or donuts, but the new teacher wanted to make eggs. Was there no end to this guy’s weirdness? Eggs? C’mon! But he insisted. And I refused.

“No, I’m really picky about my eggs,” I said as we walked toward the kitchen. “It’s okay, I’ll just play some volleyball and skip breakfast.”

“Well, I can accommodate your pickiness, you know,” he replied. “How exactly would YOU cook your eggs?”

I went on describing to him the great lengths I go to make acceptable eggs for myself. I only cook 2 eggs at a time, I don’t scrape the nasty crusty stuff that forms on the sides of the pan, the eggs must be stirred constantly so they don’t get any brown spots, and a plate must be ready beforehand because the eggs must be removed immediately from the pan when they are done. I still to this day will not eat eggs unless they are done just this way.

“Done,” he said.

“No, no, no,” I balked. “You have a whole class to feed, don’t worry about me and my super pickiness.”

“No, I want to make the eggs for you…the way you like them,” he countered. “Will you stand next to me and make sure I do it right?”

I could see he wasn't going to give up. “Whatever,” I replied with an eye-roll, as we entered the kitchen.

He then proceeded to make my eggs – first – while everyone stood around, waiting. And he did it just right with a smile on his face, like he enjoyed pleasing me. Even my stone-cold teenaged heart couldn’t resist a little, reserved thaw.

I melted a bit that day, but the full thaw happened over time. I will never again make eggs without the remembrance of his selfless, Christ-like act of Forgiveness and Love to an ungrateful teenager. While I never much appreciated his lack-luster teaching in the classroom, I realize now he managed to become the most effective teacher I ever had. I will never fail to be inspired by him.

So, if by some small miracle you’re reading this, Brother Bryant, I sincerely apologize for being so horrible to you and beg your forgiveness. If you taught me now, you would find a wholly changed student, due in part to you and your awesome egg making skills.

Wait...Revenge is Justice?

While everyone is throwing a party over the death of Osama bin Laden, I would like to share a few quotes that have been swirling around in my head since the news broke.

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” --Buddha

“Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” –Martin Luther King, Jr.

“Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from the inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.” --Mitch Albom

“There are two courses of action to follow when one is bitten by a rattlesnake. One may, in anger, fear, or vengefulness, pursue the creature and kill it. Or he may make full haste to get the venom out of his system. If we pursue the latter course we will likely survive, but if we attempt to follow the former, we may not be around long enough to finish it.”  

--Brigham Young

“Many that live deserve death, some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Do not be too eager to deal out death and judgment. Even the very wise can not see all ends.”--Gandalf, The Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring

I am so torn about what to think of the whole thing. On one hand, the guy was definitely a villain; I’m not arguing that. It’s good that he is no longer around to hurt people…blah, blah, blah (insert all arguments for his condonable extermination here). But on the other hand, isn’t it a little counterproductive to perpetuate the idea that revenge is justice? I know this is probably naïve and idealistic of me, but for quite some time now I’ve been operating under the assumption that responding in kind is a rather irrational option.

Anyone can see that if someone hits you and you hit back, that’s the beginning of endless fighting. Because of course the person who first hit you will not see it as Justice and will hit you back to retaliate. Then you hit him back to retaliate against his retaliation (because he deserves it, dangit!). And so on and so forth until at last, one of the adversaries CAN’T hit again. And that becomes the sole aim of a fight: to make the enemy incapable of fighting back.

But if someone hits you and you DON’T hit back, the fight is over before it starts. You not only save yourself all the trauma of the fight, but you also insure that you don’t become incapacitated, AND avoid any attendant moral dilemmas that are inevitable in the process.

Even if you take all the idealistic, moral, and/or religious variables out of the equation, forgiveness and mercy still trump revenge as the more rational, intelligent, and effective options.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe there is a time and a place for war; I’m no peace-at-all-costs, anti-war zealot. But I am challenging the notion that revenge is justice. And if the majority of us think it is, do we have any hope for future peace or freedom? That’s all.