"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason."
"If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?"
"Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!"
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
"Crowded elevators smell different to midgets."
"We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control."
"Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen."
And my personal favorite:
"Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."